Get Carter
Why Men Never Get Rid Of Stuff
There’s a real mystery to men and stuff and why they hold on to it that will probably keep archaeologists scratching their heads for the next two millennia. It’s probably fairly certain that the average man will collect more stuff and hold onto it then any other creature that’s ever evolved on this planet. Men and boys and their toys only differ by how much of it they have, it would seem.
One good example of this is to think about a man and an object he particularly treasures. Maybe it’s a ski helmet that he used one time back when Gerald Ford was running things. He probably ended up hated skiing that day but that helmet is proof that he once skied, so expect to find it on his mantle well into his 80s. It’s kind of a badge of honor, in truth.
This helmet will probably be found by archaeologists 4 million years from now, petrified and yet still sitting in what was once the corner of a room. No man in his right mind wants to get rid of a helmet they used only once, correct? Perhaps this is because it’s a tie to a past that’s long gone and at least eight waist inches ago, but who really knows? Certainly no man does.
Another good example is that old black sport watch that broke back during the first Clinton administration and was never repaired. Sure, there are probably more than a few memories attached to that watch but you’d think a man would either pay the money to get it fixed or just throw it out. Maybe the psychic vibes of all those good times emanate from it in the dark of night to comfort his dreams. Yes, that might be it.
Generally speaking, women understand men far better than they themselves do when it comes to this sort of pack rat behavior. They get that men have a gene that prevents them from throwing away even the most obscure and unlamented object and don’t even try to get most guys to get rid of those Buster Brown shoes from the early 60s. Indeed, the shoes are here to stay even after the women have given up in disgust and left.
Maybe when he was a boy, and he went to his favorite baseball team’s ball game and got one of those souvenir helmets with the little Oriole on the front of it, that it had some relevancy. After all, there was many a day that that the helmet graced his little noggin, though the little bird is long gone and there’s a crack running alongside from when that little black helmet was hit with a baseball just a bit too hard during a sandlot game. Again, that helmet’s not going anywhere, either.
This is why men tend to make the best museum curators and cultural historians. They look back at history and see nothing but an unbroken line of men, all collecting stuff. Even the pharaohs collected stuff to the ultimate degree and actually tried to take it all with them, including their living servants. Perhaps at some point in the future, an archaeologist will find a watch, a helmet and something to do with snow and scratch her head about what it all means, though any man would be able to explain it all.
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