Red Eye

Revealed: The Celebrity Obsession With Sunglasses

Have you ever wondered why you hardly ever see some celebrities without their sunglasses. It doesn’t matter if they’re indoors, out at night or in a dingy nightclub. Much like flies on dung they can’t be separated. In fact, given the Spears / Hilton incidents of late, celebrities are now more likely to leave home with a pair of shades than with underwear.

Want to understand why? By delving into the complex and bewildering psyche of the celebrity mind, we try to answer this age-old riddle:

1. So they don’t get recognised. Celebrities can’t risk getting mobbed by crazed fans on every street corner now can they? It’s a scientific fact that human face recognition predominantly focuses on the eyes. Obviously those celebrities who wear sunglasses everywhere have researched this fact and acted accordingly. And you thought they were all smiles and no brain cells!
2. So they DO get recognized. There are certain species of celebrity that actually desire attention of passers-by on the street, and use their designer sunglasses to achieve this. Often they will resort to shock tactics of wearing rather silly bug-eyed specs that attract surprised and even concerned looks from passers by. Certain famous figures have even gone as far as making sure they can be recognised simply from a quick glance at their trademark glasses. This latter syndrome is known as the Bono factor, named after the mens glasses icon and aging U2 frontman for his trademark luminous wrap-arounds.
3. To protect themselves from flash photography. With the celebrity’s natural predator, the paparazus (or paparazzi in plural) on the prowl, certain defensive measures have to be taken. These natural enemies are drawn in swarms to the bigger celebrities in particular. The paparazzi’s primary offensive weapons are their huge flashes, predominantly used to startle their prey and cause gradual yet irreversible damage to their already ruined eye balls (see number 5 for more details on this). In fact over millions of years celebrities who wear sunglasses have been more suited to survival (much lower suicide rates) than those without, and they have therefore evolved to be more likely to shade their eyes.
4. To hide their atrocious drunken make up / red eyes / wrinkles. You may not have thought it, but this is in actual fact a measure to protect us, the general public. Seriously, if we had to actually see the horrifying state of affairs behind celebrity sunglasses it would cause severe societal problems and our rose-tinted view of our hollywood-dwelling superiors would soome come crashing down around us. Yes, ladies’ glasses of the rich and famous are there for our sake. Yep, it’s the truth folks.
5. Drug usage makes your eyes very sensitive. Now these guys have a tremendous weight on their shoulders, being role models for the rest of us, and this understandibly takes its toll and results in massive levels of drug abuse. Chemicals like tetra-hydro-canabinol (found in marijuana) and the opiate compounds in heroin, create significant dilation of your pupils. This means normal daylight or even a streetlamp, harmless to you and eye, are very painful for celebrities. Don’t begrudge them their sunglasses.

I hope now I’ve made you think twice before tutting under your breath next time you see a hollywood star sporting ridiculously unneccesary shades in pitch black conditions.

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